movie-man-bob

I have been making films since I was 7. I had a legal pad on which I wrote the screenplay for the intense and harrowing psychological thriller, “The Futuristic Crooks, Part I,” and cast my first-grade friends in the various roles: time travelling escaped convicts, prison guards with hearts of gold, mutant lava monsters with super powers… this movie had it all. Except a camera. So my award-winning, critically acclaimed film debut had to be put on hold for a few years.

Then in high school, I began thinking about the field of film again, and the possibility of my entering into it. Once again, I wrote an intense and thought-provoking screenplay: this one about a sinister multi-national corporation that tries to quell protests against its policies of child labour… by brainwashing a masked psychopath to terrorize a local high school. This time I even bought a camera. But alas, that project too was destined to fall by the wayside.

But still, my determination grew, and I remained undaunted. This was not just a whim or a passing fancy… it was my destiny. One way or another, I HAD to succeed in Hollywood. Why? Well… lacking charm and good looks, how else was I going to get hot movie stars to go out with me?

And so it went, through high school and after. I would write the occassional script, come up with vaguely interesting characters or plot ideas… but mainly I just went around telling people, “I want to be a filmmaker!” This inevitably gets you one of two possible responses:

 1. So why aren’t you going to USC Film School?

2. O, ru gunna make PORN?!

I would sometimes be asked both questions by the same person, which always amused me. How many directors of porn actually went to USC film school? And how much of what they learned in their classes do they apply in their current line of work?

“OK, for this scene, I want to start with a wide, panoramic shot that makes their glistening white bodies stand out against the green countryside.  Then zoom in slowly until you have a tight closeup on her face. Bubbles, dear, I want to SEE the emotion in your face! The passion! You’re here in a beautiful meadow, making sweet, passionate love to a travelling salesman, whom you’ve known for all of 10 minutes. How does that make you FEEL?”

But I digress.

Now, in college, I finally started to realize how silly I was being. I mean really–what are the chances that an ordinary film nerd like me, could get a Hollywood starlet to give him the time of day, much less go out with him or be in one of his movies? So I stopped writing parts for famous actresses… and instead started writing parts for my hot, female friends, in the hopes that THEY would end up going out with me. I had about the same success as I did with the famous ones…

And so college progressed. And finally, I started to learn the actual techniques of filmmaking, beyond the simple approaching of someone to say, “Hey, you wanna be in a movie?” I learned the value of getting an extra take (very useful when, in viewing the footage, you realize that you have said from behind the camera, “Dude, that’s awesome!” in the middle of the scene), how to settle disputes between you and your actors (Rohypnol and Chloroform), and the most important thing, the importance of good editing (How to Turn 2 Hours of Dreck into 5 Minutes of Gold. Look for this in a future blog).

And so it goes, on to today. I’m long since out of college, and still trying to make that critically-acclaimed, award-winning, blockbuster hit movie. I’ve got a camcorder and a legal pad. Anyone wanna play a time travelling escaped convict?

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