movie-man-bob

A few months ago, I had the pleasure of finally watching the movie Quiz Show, which tells the saga of the “Twenty-One” quiz show scandal, and how the producers gave Charles Van Doren answers to the questions in advance, so that he could win. It was an amazing movie, very well-made and well-acted… but it got me to thinking:

The show Twenty-One was a tremendously smart show. The questions asked in the movie were ones I couldn’t even begin to answer. And Charles Van Doren, despite being a cheater, was also a brilliant man. He was a college professor, with a doctorate from Columbia University. In the movie, during his tryout for the show, he answers obscure question after obscure question WITHOUT getting the answers in advance–and without batting an eye.

Fast forward to today. Or Thursday, rather. We have the show “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”. It is, as far as I know, a completely honest show. I seriously doubt anybody cheats or gets the answers in advance, and I do not expect to see Jeff Foxworthy in the middle of some international scandal. Well, not one involving this show, anyway.

But what kind of questions do we see on this show? “Who wrote Alice in Wonderland?” “Which of these words is an adverb?” Things that… well, that a fifth grader could answer. But the contestants on this show hem and haw their way through, talking to Jeff about how they’ve never heard of Charles Dodgson, and they’re not really sure what an adverb is, but they think it’s kinda like a verb, sort of. Though they’re not quite sure what a verb is either. And if somehow they can hem and haw their way through enough questions, they could win up to a million dollars. Let me say that again… One Million Dollars. For being among the dumbest people on the planet.

So, which is a worse crime? Being a really smart person, who cheats to win 60 or 70 thousand dollars, answering really difficult questions? Or being paid a million dollars, honestly, for being not quite as idiotic as America expects you to be?

My first instinct is to take the intellectual high ground and say that it’s better to cheat a little than to encourage such prolific stupidity. And I could justify it a hundred different ways, some of which might even sound fairly convincing. It’s only television, the point is entertainment, so what’s the difference if it’s completely honest or not? Most of the other shows on television are 100% fictional, so what difference does it make if this one is 40% fictional? And their goal was a noble one! Propagate intelligence and education among the American people!

But, of course, I know full well that wasn’t their goal. Their goal was money. Find a contestant who looks good, and let him win, so that the American people keep watching, and the show makes more money. Nobody really cared about intelligence and education on Twenty-One. If Charles Van Doren really did, he never would have agreed to take the answers. If the producers did, they would have let the contestants win or lose based on their own knowledge, and made their victories really MEAN something, rather than just looking good on television. And Charles Van Doren and Herbie Stempel and all the other contestants who cheated on the show… how do they deserve the money they won, any more than someone deserves a million dollars for knowing that blue and yellow make green?

Of course, Fifth Grader… their only goal is money, too. They don’t even CLAIM to care about intelligence or education. They still choose their contestants based on how they’ll come across on camera, and what the American public will think watching them… Only now they don’t want winners. They want losers. I heard a lecture in college once from the casting director on Fear Factor. He said that they get audition tapes from people that say, “Put me on the show. I’ll do anything, touch anything, eat anything, without batting an eye. I’ll win it easy.” And of course, those audition tapes go right in the garbage bin. Because they don’t want people who don’t bat an eye. They want people who will yell and scream and squirm for the camera, and ultimately won’t be able to accomplish the gruesome tasks provided, because that’s what the show is based on. People losing gracelessly.

And I’m positive that they go by a similar casting principle on Fifth Grader. I’ve often thought that I should go on that show, because… well, I could totally use a million dollars. And this is without a doubt the easiest way to get it. Could I sacrifice my dignity and appear on such an abhorent show? Hell yes! For a million dollars I would. I deserve it way more than these morons they give it to now. I just wouldn’t act all moronic and hem and haw over adverbs. I’d answer the questions, and I’d answer them quickly. Which is why I could never be on the show. They’d see my audition tape, with me NOT hemming and hawing, and they’d immediately chuck it, because I’m too smart. They’d pass me over in favour of some cute blonde who works in a nail salon, giggles incessantly whether she’s right or wrong, and thinks the closest planet to the sun is Your Anus.

And here’s the really interesting part: They still cheat. Ludicrously simple as the questions are, the contestants still don’t answer them all on their own. It’s an officially sanctioned form of cheating, wherein you can ask your “classmates” what they think the answer is, three or four times throughout the game. It’s a compromise, I suppose… Rather than risk another public scandal of contestants cheating their way to fame and fortune, they’ll allow a little cheating, and integrate it into the game. Of course, if Charles Van Doren and Herbie Stempel didn’t deserve their winnings because they got their answers from the producers… neither does the giggly nail salon girl who gets her answers from an 11 year old. Then again, she wouldn’t deserve to be paid money for saying Mercury is the closest planet to the sun, even if she COULD answer it correctly by herself.

Every time I think of the show, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?, I am reminded of the movie Champagne for Caesar, starring Ronald Coleman, Vincent Price, and Art Linkletter. It was made in 1950, but in many ways, it’s just as apt today. It involves a quiz show that parades idiots in front of the camera to make fools of themselves, then gives them money for answering very simple questions. Ronald Coleman, the last true intellectual, reflects on this, saying, “If the knowledge that two and two equal four is greeted with great applause and prizes, then the knowledge that two and two equal four will become the top level of learning!” And looking around, that’s exactly what I see happening right now.

So which show’s crimes against society are truly worse? I’m really not sure. A good case could be made for either. My mother, who remembers the Twenty-One scandal, and even met Charles Van Doren once, says that the cheating is a far worse crime against society than a few idiots being paid to answer simple questions. But she also says that, if given the choice between the two societies, she’d prefer to live in the one where the game shows, if a little dishonest, are at least intelligent, rather than the glorified circus of idiots that we have now.

For myself, I’d rather live in a society where they give a million dollars to… well, to me. ‘Cause I totally deserve it more than Charles Van Doren OR the giggly blonde.